Heavenly Phones

You know how modern day phone calls involve 'talking' to an electronic voice giving endless instructions to press various buttons. This is what you might get when phoning Heaven!

"Thank you for calling Heaven. Please select one of the following options: Press 1 for Requests. Press 2 for Thanksgivings. Press 3 for Complaints. Press 4 for other enquiries.

I am sorry all our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us, and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to God the Father, Press 1; God the Son, Press 2; God the Holy Spirit, Press 3. If you would like to hear King David sing a psalm while you are holding Press 4. To find a loved one who has been assigned to Heaven, Press 5; then enter his or her social security number followed by the hash sign. (If you receive a negative reply, hang up and try area code 666).

For reservations at Heaven, please enter J-O-H-N followed by the numbers 3-1-6.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the Earth, life on other planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive.

Our computers show that you have already prayed today; please hang up and try again tomorrow. This office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday; please pray again on Monday after 9.00 a.m. If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local parish priest. Thank you and have a heavenly day."