Pastor's Bloated Ego

Sign Language special: religion

A special collection from our Sign Language archive: our favourite religion-themed signs.

Personality cult

Location: USA
Spotted by: Dan Sadler

The Rules of Cricket

(for those poor mortals to whom cricket is a complete mystery)

You have two sides, one out in the field and one in.

Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out.

When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes and tries to get those coming in, out.

Sometimes you get men still in and not out.

When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in.

There are two men called umpires who stay out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out.

When both sides have been in and all the men have been out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game!

(hope you are a lot wiser now)

Ride on, ride on

St Gargoyle cartoon(Church Times)

If God had a mobile

Moses might have received them on tablets of stone but now a version of the 10 Commandments is available in 'text message' speak:

1. not b4 me. srsly.

2. dnt wrshp pix/idols.

3. no omg's.

4. no wrk on w/enD (sat 4 now; sun l8r).

5. prnts ok - ur m&rd r cool.

6. dnt kill ppl.

7. sx only w/ m8.

8. dnt steal.

9. dnt lie.

10.dnt ogle ur bf's m8, or ox, or donkey.

Wisdom and Humour

(from Scarborough Catholic Parishes magazine)

Never test the depth of water with both feet.

Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Never, ever, under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

................................................................................................

A great friend of Ken named Mike phoned him one day to tell him that he, the friend, had won the Irish lottery - six million pounds, but that there was a problem. They could only give him two million pounds that week then two million pounds the following week and if they had enough money they would forward the remainder the week after that. "I'm fed up with that lark" said Mike, "so I asked them to refund my pound".

.................................................................................................

The 98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then oneof the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering abottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened the bottle and poured a large quantity into the warm milk. She returned to the bedroom and held the glass to the Mother Superior's lips. Mother drank a drop, then a drop more, finally drinking the whole glass.

"Mother" the nuns asked in earnest " please give us some wisdom before you die". She raised herself up in the bed, and with a pious look on her face she said, "Don't sell that cow."

Wartime humour

THE new book God Bless the Prince of Wales, by Scarborough man David Fowler, stems from a period when the town was full of Royal Air Force aircrew trainees.

There were no fewer than three Initial Training Wings in the town during the earlier part of the 1939-45 War.

Scarborough's empty holiday hotels were a ready source of billets for the trainees. One ITW was based on the Esplanade's Prince of Wales Hotel, another on the Grand and other hotels in the St Nicholas Cliff area, while the third was centred on Scarborough College and hotels in its vicinity.

The book has reminded me that the big contingents of RAF personnel left their mark on the town in more ways than one.

Years later, when redecorating work was being done at the St Nicholas Hotel, some cartoons were found drawn on walls which obviously dated from the RAF occupation. They had simply been covered up when the hotel had been handed back for civilian use.

The cartoonist was obviously talented, though 65 years later the RAF humour clearly doesn't come across as well as it would have done when the work was done.

A Saturday Silly

A man walked into a restaurant with an ostrich behind him. The waitress asked for their orders. The man says: 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.' The man turns to the ostrich and asks: 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same' says the ostrich.

A short time later, the waitress returned with the order. 'That will be £9.40 please', she says. And the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich came again, ordered the same and the man pays with the exact amount. This became routine until the duo entered again later in the week.

'The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad' says the man. 'Yep, same', says the ostrich. Shortly, the waitress brings the orders and says: 'That will be £32.62'. Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

'Excuse me, Sir, how do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket?'. 'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie appeared and offered me two wishes.'

'My first wish was that if ever I had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.' 'That's brilliant!', says the waitress. 'Most people would wish for a couple of million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

The waitress asks: 'But, Sir, what's with the ostrich?' The man sighs, pauses and replies: 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big bottom and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

S'no Church

The cat sat on the mat

How would you deal with 'the cat sat on the mat'if it appeared in the Bible?

The liberal theologians would point out that such a passage, did not of course mean that the cat literally sat on the mat. Also, cat and mat had different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text should be interpreted acccording to customs and practices of the period.

This would lead to an immediate backlash from the evangelicals. They would make an essential condition of aith that a real physical, living cat, being a domestic pet of the Felix Domesticus species, and havinga whiskered head and furry body, four legs and a tail, did physically place its whole body on a floor covering, designed for that purpose, and which is on the floor but not of the floor. The expression 'on the floor but not of the floor' would be explained ina leaflet.

Meanwhile, ritualist high churches would have developed the Festival of the Sedentation of the Blessed Cat. This would teach that the cat was white and majestically reclined on a mat of gold thread before its assumption to the Great Cat Basket o Heaven. This is commemorated by the singing of the Magnificat, lighting three candles, and ringing a bell five times.

This would cause a schism with the Orthodox Church which believes tradition requires Holy Cats Day (as it is colloquially know), to bemarked by lighting six candles and ringing the bell four times. The Cuckoo Land Declaration recognising the validity of each tradition would partly resolve this.

Eventually, the bishops would issue a statement on the Doctrine of the Feline Sedentation. It would explain:

"Traditionally the text describes a domestic feline quadruped superjacent to an unattached covering on a fundamental surface. For determining its salvific and eschatalogical significations, we follow the heuristic analytical principles adopted in dealiong with the Canine Fenestration Question (How much is that doggie in the window?) and the Affirmative Musaceous Paradox (Yes, we have no bananas)....... And so for another 210 pages.

The Church of England Church House would then commend this report as a helpful resource material for clergy to explain to the man in the pew the difficuly doctrine of the cat sat on the mat.

Clive Harffy(Revd)

Sign Language

Boy, I'm glad I no longer drive !

Insane lane

It's 3:59pm. Ready, set… drive in the other direction.

Location: Washington DC

Picture: William Nichols (hometown: Modesto, CA)

From the sublime to the ridiculous

Perfect Man, Perfect Woman

There was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They met each other at a perfect party. They dated for two perfect years. They had the perfect wedding and the perfect honeymoon. They had two perfect children.

One day the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving in there perfect car, they saw an elf by the side of the road, being the perfect people they were they picked him up.

Well as the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving with the elf, somehow they got into an accident. Two people died and one lived.

Who died and who lived?

The perfect woman, because the perfect man and elves aren't real.

GAFCON cartoon guide

Confusing English

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn

• The bandage was wound around the wound.
• The farm was used to produce produce.
• The dump wa so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
• We must polish the Polish furniture.
• He could lead if he would get the lead out.
• The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
• Since there is no time like the present he thought it was time to present the present.
• A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
• When shot at the dove dove into the bushes.
• I did not object to the object.
• The insurance was valid for the invalid.
• There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
• They were too close to the door to close it.
• The buck does funny things when the does are present.
• A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
• To help with planting the farmer taught his sow to sow.
• The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
• After a number of injections my jaw got number.
• Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
• I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
• How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Jesus is watching you

A burglar one night shone his torch around, looking for valuables. When he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

The burglar nearly jumped out of hi skin, clicked his torch our, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a holiday after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as he bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the far corner of the room, his torch beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

The burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people who would name their Rottweiler Jesus" came the reply.

God's Own County

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world, so he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Rome.

On his first day in Rome he was inside a church, taking photographs, when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on a wall that read '$10,000 per call'. Intrigued, he asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for and the priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven where the caller could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was Moscow. In a large cathedral there he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign underneath it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone that he had seen in Rome and asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. 'OK and thank you' said the American.

He then travelled to France, Israel, Germany and Brazil. In each country he found a church with the same golden telephone and the '$10,000 per call' sign below it.

Finally, the American came to the UK . When he visited York Minster there was the same golden telephone but this time the sign read '20p per call'. He was so surprised that he asked a priest about it. 'Reverend Sir' he said 'I have travelled all over the world and seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven but everywhere else the call price has been $10,000. Why is it so cheap here ?' The priest smiled and replied 'Well, my friend, you are in Yorkshire now, it's a local call!'

Anglican/Methodist Joke

The Helpful Vicar

A newly married couple had been to view a house which they had decided to take. After they had left they remembered that they had not been able to find the WC in the house. They wrote to the vicar who had helped them get the place, to see if he could offer them any explanation of this state of affairs.

It seem that the Vicar had never heard of the term WC and thought they must mean the Wesleyan Chapel. So he wrote as follows:

Dear Sir,
I regret in reply to you letter that the nearest WC in the area is seven miles away from this house. This is rather unfortunate if you are in the habit of going regularly. However, some people take their lunch and make a day of it. Those who can spare the time, walk. Others go by train and arrive just in time. By the way it is made to seat 200 and the committee have now decided to have plush seats to ensure greater comfort. The last time my wife and I went was about ten years ago and she had to stand all the time, I myself never go at all. There are special facilities for the ladies presided over by the minister who goes to their assistance when required. All the children sit together and sing during the proceedings. Hoping this information will be of use to you.
I remain, yours truly,
The Vicar.

P.S. Hymn sheets are provided and will be found hanging on the door.

Catholic Joke

The Pope Visits America

The Pope just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Since he'd never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. The reluctant chauffeur pulled over along the roadside, climbed into the back of the limo, and the Pope took the wheel.

The Pope then merged onto the highway and accelerated to over 90 mph to see what the limo could do. Suddenly, the Pope noticed the blue light of the State Patrol in his side mirror, so he pulled over. The trooper approached the limo, peered in through the windows, then said, "Just a moment please, I need to call in."

The trooper called in and explained to the chief that he had a very important person pulled over for speeding. "How do I handle this, chief?" asked the trooper. "Is it the Governor?" questioned the chief. "No! This guy is even more important!" "Is it the President?" asked the chief. "No! Even more important!""Well, who the heck is it?" screamed the chief. "I don't know, sir," replied the trooper, "but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur."

Clocks forward tonight

Eats, Shoots and Leaves

I cannot claim to have read this Book of the Year 2004 by Lynne Truss but I do like the explanation of the title.

A panda walks into a cafe. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.

"Why?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.

"I am a panda," he says, at the door. "Look it up."

The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation.

"Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."

So, punctuation really does matter, even if it is only occasionally a matter of life and death.

This is the zero tolerance guide.

Smiling

Smiling is infectious,
You catch it like the flu.
When someone smiled at me today
I started smiling too.

I passed around the corner,
And someone saw my grin.
When he smiled, I realised
I'd passed it on to him.

I thought about the smile
And then I realised its worth.
A single smile like mine
Could travel round the earth.

If you feel a smile begin,
Don't leave it undetected.
Let's start an epidemic quick
And get the world infected.

(dedicated to all those with coughs and colds currently experienced in close communities like ours)