Wisdom and Humour

(from Scarborough Catholic Parishes magazine)

Never test the depth of water with both feet.

Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

Never, ever, under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

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A great friend of Ken named Mike phoned him one day to tell him that he, the friend, had won the Irish lottery - six million pounds, but that there was a problem. They could only give him two million pounds that week then two million pounds the following week and if they had enough money they would forward the remainder the week after that. "I'm fed up with that lark" said Mike, "so I asked them to refund my pound".

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The 98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then oneof the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering abottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened the bottle and poured a large quantity into the warm milk. She returned to the bedroom and held the glass to the Mother Superior's lips. Mother drank a drop, then a drop more, finally drinking the whole glass.

"Mother" the nuns asked in earnest " please give us some wisdom before you die". She raised herself up in the bed, and with a pious look on her face she said, "Don't sell that cow."