BB new arrivals

Big Brother's final birthday surprise for the housemates was the arrival of five brand new housemates. The new batch comprised beefcake Tom, hippy Bea, fashionista Hira, camp David and Karly's boyfriend Kenneth, who entered the House just moments before Karly was separated from him again as she became the seventh housemate to be evicted.

So they're the newbies but where on earth did BB find them? Allow them to introduce themselves all over again...

Bea reckons the way forward is to love lots of people.

‘Vivienne Westwood is like my God' says David.

Hira's ready to face the world on her own.

Kenneth is all about the money.

Tom claims he's a successful ladies' man.

Honestly, who needs new people? They’re never as good as the old people - the ones you’re used to. Hence why no one ever smiles when they introduce friends to their step mother, and why Ronnie Wood will never quite be aRolling Stone in the Keith Richards/Mick Jagger sense. And yet, year after year Big Brother throws in strange new faces to keep everyone on their toes, but no one ever likes these weirdos, and you probably couldn’t name a likable BB newbie from series’ gone by.

This time around, Karly’s boyfriend Kenny makes up one fifth of the new contingent, and he appears completely unaware that a. He’s being filmed, and b. Everyone already knows his girlfriend. It surely won’t be long before he’s enduring footage of an enthusiastic tongue kiss with Lisa during a very awkward Davina interview. He spent three grand on a pair of shoes.

The new girls are Bea from Bristol, who takes a lot of risks when she goes out - such as barefoot dancing, sexual experimentation, and pronouncing the word fabulous “fab-you-low-ssss”. She’s just that kind of chick, mental. The other girl is called Hira, and, conveniently, we can’t hear her. She’s like a mouse.

And so to the final two pieces of this very new and unappealing jigsaw. David and Tom. David is a gay gentleman from Yorkshire. To repeat, he’s a gay gentleman from Yorkshire. That’s right. Gay. From Yorkshire. Take that Geoff Boycott. David is a gay. And he’s from Yorkshire. He’s like a Monty Python sketch in human form. He’s like Geoff Capes wearing lingerie at a strong man contest. He’s gay, and he’s from Yorkshire. It’s a bit like being humble and Italian.

Whilst Tom walked into the house and immediately removed his top so that everyone could marvel for a second at the state of his torso and solid man bosoms. You could imagine him as a guest on Trisha, explaining how he used to be bullied as a kid, so he hit the gym, beefed up, and now he’s just silently despised by pretty much everyone - possibly his own family, and definitely by men like Marcus. He drinks fluids through one of those sporty beakers with the plastic nipple thing, and the countdown to his inevitable kiss with Noirin has begun.

Marcus is planning on messing him up, which might prove to be a terrible move as Tom casually tosses him around the house dismantling him like a gorilla disemboweling a cat.

Of the old lot, Siavash is still the big Interestment favourite.